I’ve been experiencing a dose of the attack of blahs lately. I just don’t feel motivated to do anything. And, trust me, I have stuff to do. Maybe it’s time to shake things up. But, of course, this is exactly when I get worried about shaking things up and making decisions that come from a misplaced emotion.
But maybe it’s time.
Maybe I need to change my routine. Maybe I pick up something new and drop something old. Maybe I take a break (though I’ll admit this rarely works for me.) I’d sign up for a class and there are a few that seem to interest me but I promised myself that I wouldn’t take any new classes (though I have one starting in a week or so) until I am done really absorbing the content in the ones I’ve already taken. I took some amazing classes in the last 8 months and I really want to sit and do a lot more practice and homework before I just sign up for more and more art classes.
I won’t lie: I am a bit lost.
I still love the sketching. Though I hate the time I spend every morning choosing which one to do. It feels like such a waste do have to pick each morning. But the sketching itself, I adore. I also still like the Art Journaling but I do want to change that around a bit. Maybe have it be more painting, and more drawing, so I can combine it with the art classes that I’ve been taking. I want to work on the lettering too but that’s so so time consuming and I need so much work.
While I still love the savor project, I am not creating that many layouts anymore. I know this is a known side effect of PL. But it still feels odd. I feel like the stories I want to tell are told. I feel like I don’t have the energy and desire like I used to.
I’ve been reading a lot lately. Reading has always been my most treasured escape. It never lets me down. And I’ve been doing it more lately. Quick/easy books. Different genres. Classics. Whatever I’m in the mood for, without judgement. Saving a few favorites for the long plane ride coming soon.
It just feels like I’m biding time lately but I am not sure why. Maybe it’s cause of the upcoming trip. Or the stressful work that I know is coming upon my return. Or the pain that doesn’t seem to want to leave my body. Or summer coming. Or being burned out from the stress of the Spring. I really don’t know and I want to find a way to get out from under it. Especially because the trip, the stressful work, and the summer are all coming. Schedules will change. Routines will change. These things always throw me off, even when I am at my strongest. So I want to get ahead of the whole thing.
I just don’t know how.
Is it time to shed or to pick up new stuff? Or both? Or time to just rest and percolate but not do anything rash? Is this maybe just going to go away on its own?
I am not a fan of short stories. But connected stories like the ones in Winesburg, Ohio are more my style. And all the reviews for this book were so darling that I couldn’t wait to read it.
I will admit that while I enjoyed it a lot more than I usually enjoy short stories, I still had a hard time getting through this book. It might have been my mood or my state of mind at the time but either way I struggled my way through it.
Looking back, I am glad I read it and if you like short story collections, this one is certainly worth checking out.
Very soon after I started dating Jake, he gave me a book by the amazing Richard Feynman. I fell in love immediately. I have since read just about everything he wrote (except the hard-core physics lectures) and even some books written about him. His approach to life and science is magnificent. It makes me want to wish I knew more science.
I feel tired and worn out tonight so I thought I would share this beautiful video with you:
A little glimpse into the extraordinary human that he was. I am grateful for people like this. For people with passion. Any kind of passion. It lifts my spirit.
I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. And, thank you, Jake for bringing this gift, any many others, into my life.
ps: I have some articles coming up for write.click.scrapbook, is there a subject you might want to see me write about?
This morning, after Jake came home from dropping off the kids, he was chatting with me about the wedding he went to this weekend and asking me how I am doing, etc, when I had one of those I-think-I-might-be-losing-my-mind moments. I started telling him all the ways in which things were falling apart and then got myself more and more riled up as I talked. It wasn’t pretty.
And, to add insult to injury, after having just yelled at him for a while, when he tried to kindly help me, I said “I don’t want to waste my time talking about this stuff.”
Right. Not pretty.
Instead of getting mad or upset, he just hugged me and let me go on with my day and went to work (as I asked him to so I could be alone and calm down.)
Typically, I would spend the rest of the day trying to explain what happened. I am hormonal. I didn’t get enough sleep. Feeling a lot of pressure. Blah blah blah. Looking for excuses. Looking for things to fix. Looking for things to blame. We’re meaning-making machines after all. So when something like this happens, I try to immediately pinpoint the cause so I can either absolve myself or fix it (or both.)
Instead, I did neither today. I just let myself feel bad for a while. I did my sketch (which always makes me feel peaceful.) I then focused pretty hard at work and got a bunch of stuff done (which also has a tendency to make me feel better.) And when it was time to pick up Nathaniel, I walked instead of driving to his school. The school is about a 7-minute walk and he loves it when I come on foot. I went a little bit earlier than usual so I could sit with him for a few minutes cause he likes it when I am there with him.
On the way there, I called Jake and thanked him for being so nice to me and told him not to worry about my craziness this morning. I told him what makes me happiest is seeing him and the kids happy. And it does. It truly gives me a deep sense of peace.
When we came back home, Nathaniel went down for his nap, and I worked more. I even spent twenty minutes on an art journal page. I then had food, worked more, etc. until David and Jake came home. Since it was nice out, I decided we should all go have a bite to eat. Which we did.
And then I worked a bit more and now I am off to spend some time with Jake and then David. Then I will read some. And then my day will be over.
So, in the end, I will have done a bunch of things I love (spend time with family, do art, read), a bunch of things I need to (work, exercise, walk outside), a bunch of things I shouldn’t have (eat chocolate, not do strength exercises, oh and scream/cry). But what I won’t have done is spend any more time or energy on today’s outburst.
I didn’t make up reasons for it. I didn’t look into why it happened or try to solve it. I didn’t wallow. I didn’t make it bigger. I didn’t look for meaning. I just let it get lost in the events of my day. I took opportunities to make myself happier and to savor the things that do bring me joy so that the frustration and sorrow naturally took a back seat.
I am not saying that it’s not important to stop and think about what might be making you sad. Or making you cry. There’s a time and place for that, too. And if you’re regularly upset, of course you should figure out why. Of course you should get help.
But, sometimes, you just have a crappy day. A crappy moment. And giving it more attention than it deserves can make that worse instead of better.
Sometimes it’s better to just not look for meaning but, instead, take steps to turn it around. To run (or at least walk) in the direction of joy and let that be the solution.
This is a layout I made for My Mind’s Eye’s blog for April.
And the journaling says:
Many people ask me if I wish I had a girl. I guess being the mom of two boys must make me want to have a little girl but I must admit that I really don’t. I love my life with my boys and I just adore how much they make me laugh every day. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
The left side is a funny face David’s making and how he likes his silly face. The right side is an older photo from 2010 when we walked across The Golden Gate Bridge. David remembers that day fondly. (so do i!)
More next time.
David’s Book of Good Memories is a bi-weekly project for 2012 with my seven-year-old son David. You can read more about it here.
for three years, now, we’ve been celebrating Nathaniel’s birthday with our neighbors so this year we did the same.
at the little park by our house. david brought along his paper airplanes.
i love that Nathaniel sang along with the others.
and then he blew the candles.
and dove right in.
those cupcakes were delicious.
one of the presents Nathaniel got was these moustache stickers.
the kids loved them.
and i loved the photos.
nathaniel’s potty training is pretty close to done. it does mean he gets to spend a lot of time with his underwear tho. And here he is using it as a pillow.
and sleeping on it.
here he is working on his letter book.
i snapped some good photos of david this week, too.
those eyes and freckles are so perfect.
the highlight of his week was getting the lego club magazine.
i snapped a photo of the little boy, too.
he’s so very cute.
both kids spent time on the “computer” this week, too.
especially nathaniel, who loved figuring it out.
he also had a doctor’s appointment for his third year. he’s all healthy! yey!
and then there were some faces.
and some laughter.
and then my favorite: tickle time!
and here we go. i hope your week was wonderful, too.
I used leftovers from a large colorful sheet I’d used for many art journal projects. I just liked the way it looked oddly shaped. IT says “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” which is an Eleanor Roosevelt quote, I think. It also says “do not EVER consent.” I painted the page yellow afterwards. I like how bright it is.
Slow down and be aware: I tend to be an over-achiever which is great but because I am so task-oriented and accomplishment-focused, I often rush through things. I am focused on the end and I don’t enjoy the journey. I don’t slow down. I don’t take my time, explore, learn, grow as much as I could. So my plan this year is to slow down considerably. Take my time drawing. Take my time reading and thinking. If some things don’t get done, that’s ok. I think that much more growth happens when we slow down and approach things mindfully. Since my word for this year is savor, this is something I plan to pay extra-attention to. One change I made from last year was to aim to reduce some of my daily tasks. My goal is to do 4 sketches a week and 4 art journal pages a week instead of doing 7 of each. This way I get a few days off and if I want to I can complete a sketch over two days.
We’re now into the fifth month of the year and I don’t know if I’ve done this. There are definitely moments when I have. And, other times, I’ve rushed through the art just to “get done.” However, there’s a part of this that I’ve been working hard on: not working ahead.
I have a tendency to work ahead. This way on any particular week, I don’t have any tight deadlines. So if my layouts are due in a month, I will do them right now and be done. I used to do that for the blog, too. Create a bunch of art journal pages so I have a bunch of posts lined up. But one of my goals this year was to do this less.
I feel like consistency helps me with my creativity. When I work ahead and pile a bunch of art/layouts, I then take a long break. During this time I don’t feel like doing art. I don’t scrap. I have no ideas. I get rusty. I get lazy. I’ve learned, over time, that what inspires me most is doing. When I am creating regularly, ideas come to me. I feel more inspired. I feel more driven to create.
And when I take a long break, I get lazy.
This year, I’ve been trying to scale down the art but also keep it more regular. I actually do two art journal pages a week. If I am super-inspired I might do one more but it’s rare. I do one collage a week and then the savor project and the daily sketching. It would be nice to add one layout a week, too because my inspiration on creating layouts has waned a lot (especially since I do the Savor Project). I try not to overdo it. (At least for me.) I don’t sit and create ten pages in one sitting. If I’ve filled my goal for that week, I stop.
I save some for next week.
I take small breaks instead of feverishly working ahead and then burning out. If this means some weeks I have no art to post, I prefer that to taking a long break. This also keeps me more in the present, I think. I was ahead on Art Journal pages and Collage pages from early on in the year so I have a little breathing room on those if I have a dry week. Savor is always running one week behind, so that gives me time to catch up, too. But, honestly, I just try not to stress about it. I feel like the discipline and presence makes it work better for me.
This way, I have some art to do each night of the week. I try to collage on mondays, art journal on tuesdays, do my savor prep on wednesdays, do another art journal page on thursdays, and then finish my savor project on friday. the weekend is my backup for whatever’s not finished. And maybe I can scrap a layout each weekend, too. I don’t schedule these thoughts posts either. I want to make them about “now.” About how I am feeling in the present. It’s all part of being more aware. Being more here.
This does not come naturally to me. My instinct is to work ahead, get done, have it off my list. But I am learning that there’s something to be said for slowing down and creating something every single day.
So here’s to not working ahead. Here’s to being present. Here’s to controlling instinct and tying to be more aware.
