As I’ve mentioned before, I am taking a local class this semester called The Science of Willpower. This class gets more and more fascinating each week. I always find myself wanting to write about it here but I can’t ever seem to get organized enough to do so. This week, however, some of the things my teacher mentioned hit home so much that I knew I had to take the time to write it down here.
This week’s topic was The Abstinence Violation effect. This happens when you have a goal and then you do something that you’d consider a ‘slip.’ For example, you’re on a diet and then you have a chocolate chip cookie. You were “abstaining” and you violated that. Makes sense? So if you were to do that, what do you think would happen next? Many of us would think that you would feel super-guilty and shameful and this guilt and shame would stop you from slipping again. Right?
Alas.
Not the way the brain seems to work.
There’ve been several studies that prove that the more you feel guilty/shameful about slipping, the more likely you are to slip AGAIN and AGAIN. And possibly slip worse.
Makes no sense?
Well, it’s as if once you slipped, you (and your brain) goes into the what-the-heck mode and you figure you already messed up so you might as well mess up more and more.
But here’s the even weirder part.
After you slip, if you take a moment and tell yourself “That’s alright. I messed up. I am human and many others mess up all the time, too. I forgive myself.”
You are now LESS likely to slip again!
Fascinating, no?
So the cure to the abstinence violation effect is: self-compassion. If you take a moment to be aware, let go of the shame/guilt and then show yourself some self-compassion, you can more easily get back on track. Many people think forgiving yourself means letting yourself off the hook. It appears that’s not the case. It’s the key to getting back on track.
I found this to be fascinating and extremely important. I live with a lot of goals. I work hard on my goals but I certainly slip often. And knowing the effect of shame vs. self compassion is really crucial in being able to get back on track sooner than later.
So there you go, if you’re anything like me, next time you slip, remember the rule: no shame/no guilt.
And here’s the spread for week five. Tried to keep it simple this week, too:
so here’s the left side:
three stories on this page. The first is David and I finally finishing our first book of 2012. The Mysterious Benedict Society. Nathaniel and David’s new passports in preparation for our trip in the summer, and my new personal trainer journey.
And here’s the right side:
I rarely talk about work here but the first week of February was branch day and I am responsible for this new branch so I thought it would be great to look back and remember. I printed out the email I sent to the team and tugged it into a little pocket I sewed up. And the last story is Nathaniel and the batman computer and how he cheers every time he gets the answer right.
As usual, the bottom has my art and our weekly family photo along the bottom. I put an extra one from tickle time this time.
So there we go. That’s week five. So far, so good. Loving getting to savor these memories again and again.
Happy Savoring.
The Savor Project was supposed to be a weekly project for 2012. You can read about my setup here.
As soon as I finished Shiver, I moved right on to Linger which is super-rare for me since I like to take a break between books in a series.
But this time I couldn’t.
I just wanted to read more and more and see what happened. I loved the second book even more. I loved the additional characters and their stories and how it all weaved together. I couldn’t stop reading the novel and didn’t want to put it down for one second. That, to me, is the sign of a great book. I know that this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but I really enjoyed it.
So much so that I moved right on to the third book.
Here’s something important I learned in the last two years: There can be a difference between art you like to look at and art you like to create. This seems obvious and simple. But it isn’t. At least it wasn’t for me. For the longest time, I’d look at layouts or art journal pages I loved and try to recreate them.
But then I’d hate my version.
And I could never understand why. It happened enough times that I just gave up trying to emulate anyone else’s art. I started to think I just wasn’t good at creating and I should walk away. Everyone can’t be good at everything and maybe art just wasn’t my thing. I was quite frustrated and pretty ready to give up.
Until I walked away from others’ art and just spent some time creating my own (a lot of it!) I didn’t realize what was wrong. The art I was emulating wasn’t what came naturally to me so I wasn’t doing a good job of creating my own version. It just didn’t feel right. And neither did the end result. Once I gave my head and heart some space from everything I was looking at, I was able to slowly find my own way. And now that I am more comfortable with my own voice, I can look at these pieces of art and clearly see that they’re just not the way I create.
That doesn’t mean I don’t like looking at them, however.
I enjoy a variety of art (and sketching, scrapping, etc.) Many things appeal to me visually. But what I like to LOOK AT is not the same as what I like to CREATE. That differentiation is crucial. For me, it meant the difference between giving up art forever and creating art every single day.
Huge difference.
Now that I’ve learned this, here are a few things I like to do:
1. Take a break from looking and focus on doing: I take breaks from looking at anyone’s art or scrapping and just spend time creating my own art. I’ll do daily sketching, or layouts for a month so I can really dive in and find my way or explore my own ideas or my supplies. Just for me. Not to copy something I liked or recreate an idea. I do it again and again and again until the ideas get bigger and deeper and the art becomes mine.
2. Dive deeper and pay attention to why I find something appealing: Often times, when there’s a piece of art or a layout that I love, I try to take a step back so I can figure out exactly what I like about it. Sometimes it’s the color combination, other times it’s the size of the images, or the size of the page. It can be about the sentiment and nothing about the design. Taking a step back and digging deeper allows me to see what part really speaks to me so I can emulate that instead of the whole page. It allows me to take things I’m inspired by and incorporate them into my own way of creating art.
3. Remember that enjoying looking doesn’t mean I will enjoy creating: Another one that seems simple but I’ve learned that awareness is super-important and not to be taken for granted. Being aware that this particular piece of art speaks to me visually but isn’t one I’d like to create allows me to not even attempt to emulate it. This way I can truly enjoy the art and never move into the realm of self-disappointment. I love looking at all sorts of backgrounds but I only create layouts with white backgrounds. It’s what I do. There’s nothing wrong with what others do and there are many layouts that appeal to me but do not have a white background. I just put them in a category of “love to look at” and leave them be.
So, if you’re where I was and finding yourself unable to create the art you admire in others, just remember that there’s a difference and maybe you’re working too hard to create something that doesn’t work for you.
Maybe it’s time to enjoy others’ ideas and then create your own.
During Saturday’s sketching I taped myself. The contrast ended up being terrible for some reason and the sketch is one of my least favorite. But if you want to see me sketch, here you go:
I’ll try to do another one with better resolution and contrast at some point.
A few weeks ago a friend was telling me how she doesn’t dance and sing with her kids because her parents never did that with her and it’s just not the way she is. But the way she said it gave me pause. It didn’t sound like she didn’t want to do it. It sounded like she secretly wanted to do it but justified it to herself by saying how she didn’t have it as a kid and so it was ok not to give it to her kids. (Or, you know, maybe I’m putting words in her mouth, but it doesn’t matter because this post isn’t about her. I mention it cause this conversation and the vibe I got triggered this post.)
And then this past weekend I was journaling the hundreds of questions last week’s Body Restoration class came with and one of them was “What do I wish I had never done?” And I thought about all the possible answers I could give. But then I realized that I couldn’t write anything down. The thing is, I only know this version of my life. And everything that happened before this is the sequence of events that took me here. How can I be sure that changing anything wouldn’t lead me somewhere else? The thing is, I love my life right now. I am deeply grateful for it. And regretting something in the past or wishing it had never occurred opens up the possibility of other paths. Other ways my life could have unfolded. And maybe I wouldn’t end up where I am now. There’s nothing that would make me wish that. Everything I did, good and bad, is what led me here. I regret nothing.
So when I thought of my friend’s situation and my thoughts on regret, and I decided that what I want is to never live a life unfulfilled. I don’t want to make excuses to not do the things I want to do. I want to live the best life I can. Not get hung up on regrets, past worries, other people’s mean words or expectations.
Many years ago, I took a big life-changing class and I took a trip back home Turkey soon after. I remember sitting at dinner with my family and telling them about my class. My grandmother said that she wished she’d taken it. She had so many regrets about the way she’d lived her life. I was quite surprised cause my grandmother had never, ever mentioned such thoughts before. But it also made me think a lot. I want to be able to look back and feel like I lived my life to the fullest extent possible. Explored all my options. Lived true to my own dreams, goals, joys, and ideals. That I pleased myself and the ones I love over the people who don’t matter.
Just to top off all these thoughts, today, my grafting happiness class started and today’s post had the following quote: “The fear that something is wrong with you is your greatest block to joy. In truth, there is no other block.”
I don’t want to feel like there’s anything wrong with me. I don’t want to worry about what I am not doing, or who’s not approving of me, or who talks behind my back. If I want to sing and dance with my kids, I don’t want to worry that my mom didn’t do it with me so I shouldn’t do it. Or that I don’t know how. Or that it looks silly. I don’t want to wish away any of my past. It is the foundation upon which I rest: good or bad. It’s also gone. It’s completely over with. I don’t want to worry about regrets. I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to worry about people and things that don’t truly matter. And, most importantly, I don’t want to live a life unfulfilled.
I want to fill my cup of joy all the way up. And drink it all and then fill it up again. I want to live my day as if I am completely free to be and do anything I choose. There’s no rope tying me to the past and holding me down. There’s no shoulds, musts. Just a list of things that fulfill me and the people I love.
So that, at any moment in time, and know that I am making the very best of what I have.
This is a layout I made for Maya Road for winter CHA.
And the journaling says:
My sweet, awesome boys, I am so grateful for these photos of the two fof you with me. I love seeing us all laugh together and I hope you can tell how much I love you. I will love you for ever and ever.
Another butterfly from Spanish class. Aren’t these magnificent?
And the next spread:
More drawings and fun with his friend Ari. He and David were “selling” things at school from what I understand (not for money) but then they were told to stop. (or so David tells me weeks later.) but he still loves that they made this chart.
There we go. That’s all for this week. More coming soon.
David’s Book of Good Memories is a bi-weekly project for 2012 with my seven-year-old son David. You can read more about it here.
Wow, lots and lots of photos this week. Partly cause it was David’s birthday and partly cause there are just too many cute ones. This was a big week for almost all of us. I did a lot at work and got the Beta channel out early. Early in the week, I was on Paperclipping Roundtable. I also went to David’s school on Wednesday (with Jake) for his birthday. And I went back on Friday to volunteer with math time. I also saw the trainer on Friday and am doing my exercises every week day. They’re tough but I am hanging in there. David’s had a wonderful week. He got a ton of legos for his birthday and got to celebrate both here and at school. He also got to see Star Wars #1 in 3d at the theatre with his dad on Friday. He got to play Wii today and got his final lego set (actually there’s more coming from his grandmother in the mail) and tomorrow he gets to go to Alcatraz. A full week for the big boy. Jake had an excellent week at work and he was around a lot, playing with both of the kids. Excellent on both grounds. And Nathaniel was super-excited about David’s birthday. He ate some cake and asked for more all week. He asked about his birthday a lot too (which is not until April). He’s doing great and still having a great time playing. I am so so grateful for this super-productive and super-wonderful week.
Anyhow, here are some highlights from last week:
Nathaniel working on his book.
The kids playing outside with the neighbor’s toys.
they both had a lot of fun.
And wrestling inside.
and sitting together. I love this photo.
cute little boy.
and cute big boy.
my boys hugging!!
watching Star Wars.
Nathaniel loves to make me “shoot” him and then fake dying.
he’s such a little poser.
he also loves to draw.
and often admires his work.
he’s really been playing a lot with legos lately. Building awesome creations.
David’s birthday morning.
he blew those candles with gusto.
had to blow a few times.
but got them all in the end.
and there’s the cupcake, almost ready to be consumed.
David built one of his legos immediately.
He’s showing me the little compartment on the bottom.
then during snack time at school, we went over so we could all celebrate with his class. They sang him happy birthday.
and he blew one more candle.
nathaniel showing me his lego choo-choo.
and making creations.
during photo-time, he decided to shoot everyone.
and no matter what I did, he wouldn’t look at the camera.
look how David’s trying not to laugh during tickle time.
but it doesn’t last long.
and Nathaniel tries to shoot Daddy once more.
while Daddy and David are at the movies, Nathaniel is practicing “running” and asks me to take a picture.
he loves it so much.
and then he looks out the window and shows me the birds.
my super-duper cutie-pie boy.
and here we go. Another wonderful week gone. So grateful for my family. Here’s to a great week next week!
Page six and I am still not anywhere near collage:
I had so many ideas for this page but it just wasn’t meant to be. The background is an actual map. Then I punched butterflies from the same map and glued them down. Then I tried to drip paint but it didn’t work the way I wanted to I just painted over the thing. But I’d already inked around the butterflies which is why the black ink spread a bit. I still like the way it turned out to be honest. Though not sure it qualifies as collage…
more next week. maybe then I can get more collage-y.
I’ve had a lot of managers in my life. Let me rephrase that: I’ve had a lot of bad managers in my life. But I’ve also been lucky enough to have a few good ones.
And here’s one of the biggest differences between the two: the good ones believe in you and give you opportunities that they know you can rise to. They push you and encourage you at the same time.
And you know what?
It works like a charm.
When I worked with a good manager, I rose to the occasion each time. I conquered problems I never thought I could. I blasted through what I believed were my limits. They showed me that I can be more. That I already am more and I just needed to see it. There’s so much magic in having someone believe in you.
Over the last few years, I’ve been trying to do this for myself. I can see a huge difference in my abilities when I change my mental state. This is not just about being positive (though that’s a big part of it, too.) This is about thinking you can. Thinking that you have what it takes to conquer your next challenge. You have what it takes to achieve that goal. What it takes to operate on the level you want to be.
The trick is that once you think you can, you can.
I know it sounds simple and I also know that it isn’t simple. I go through bouts of insecurity in my life. Over work, over my art, over my ability to be a good wife or mother. Over everything that actually matters to me. And I’ve noticed that when I am in that state, I end up being sub-par. I actually make more mistakes. So then my view of how I am actually comes true. Which is a vicious cycle, of course. I think I am mediocre, so I perform mediocre and then end up actually being mediocre.
See how that works?
But then there are times when I feel good. I feel like I can. I am excited and powerful and confident. Which also makes me kind, helpful, and uplifting. And, man, nothing can get in my way during those times. I am a powerhouse. I know things. I learn things. I am always surprised by how much and how well I can get things done when I am in that place. I am a star.
And you know what? They are both me. The mediocre girl and the star. They are both me. I have the capacity to be either. And while it’s nice to have managers who can activate the go-getter in me, there’s no reason I should wait for that.
There’s no reason I can’t do it for myself.
I know for a fact that thinking you can means you can. It gives you the energy, optimism, and drive to get things done. So you rise to the challenges. You work harder. You work more intelligently. And you reach the goal. Whether it be programming or drawing or learning to write more beautifully. The trick is to think you can.
