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Page thirteen:
This page is a bit odd, I know. I took a bunch of the leftover paper I had from my sketching pad and glued them down. Then I used pan pastels to make the hearts. Then I added a bunch of rubons. A little paint on the edges and I was done. I know it’s simple but that’s what I seem to like. No matter how much I tried, I just didn’t want to add any more to it. Here’s another look:
more next week. Journey into Collage is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.
I think it’s fair to say that I am not a neat person. (If my dad were here, he’d laugh at the understatement.) Most of the time, this doesn’t bother me. I can go about my life and not have everything be super organized. I have my way of doing things and it works for me. For example, I am super-messy while I create but I always clean up between projects. I can’t start something new if my desk is a mess. I tend to let the dishes pile for a day but will almost always put them in the machine before I go to bed. And while the piles on the tables do sometimes bother me, they don’t upset me enough to actually use my time to clean up. However. I’ve noticed lately that there are a few exceptions. I have this teetering pile on my work desk and each time I touch it, I feel frustrated that it’s such a mess. I always tell myself I need to rearrange it and get a system, but I never do. And since it’s a pile right next to me while I work, I use and see it often and feel bad about myself and my lack of organization several times a day. Same thing goes with laundry. When there’s a pile of unfolded laundry sits in my room (which happens often with 2 kids under 7) each time I walk by it, I feel an overwhelming sense of defeat. And since this laundry is in my room, I see it several times a day. Especially, at night right before I go to bed, I look at it and feel sad that another day passed without my folding it. As I pay attention to these little things that lower my spirit often, I’m learning that resolving them takes less time and energy then postponing them. When I do sit down and fold the laundry, it takes about 15-20 minutes and I am done. I feel uplifted and competent. There aren’t that many things that can give me a sense of accomplishment that quickly. The best part isn’t even the sense of accomplishment. It’s getting rid of that “ugh I can’t believe I’m such a loser” feeling these little things give me throughout the day. Things that take away at my spirit little by little. Getting rid of these comes with a huge reward. So I’ve decided to pay close attention to each little thing that makes me feel defeated next week. I will write it all down. And then I will go through my list and try to either them eliminate permanently or create a mini-routine around them to ensure they don’t get to the state where they bug me. Let’s see if it works. If you have things that get to you in your day, maybe you can do this exercise along with me. Here are some more pages I did:
The full text reads: Just go for it. And here’s the next page:
The full text reads: It’s time to bloom. And here’s the next page:
The full text reads: Be your own advocate. Well here we go. More coming next week. I am creating multiple art journaling pages a week for now. You can read more about this project here. This set uses the Fabriano Roma papers.
I tend to be a stresser. If you read here regularly, you’ll remember that I briefly mentioned that stress inhibits self-reflection and self-awareness. I might not have the details right but basically when you’re stressing out, your body kicks into the fight-or-flight response and that shuts down most everything else. Because at this point you’re in emergency mode where you’re worried about whether a tiger’s going to eat you and in those cases, thinking things through is not to your benefit. You want to just run. But, in my life, I don’t tend to face tigers that often. I noticed in the last few days that when things don’t go as expected, I tend to panic and stress. I’m a fixer. It’s what I do. So if I don’t know enough or I don’t have the power to fix it, I get more and more panicky. Which makes pretty much all of my higher-thinking shut down. And then I can’t even think so I panic more. See where I’m going with this? Yes, it’s not pretty. I find that the less knowledgeable I am or the less power I have, the more this happens. And when I stress and can’t think, I panic and then I feel a sense of rush. I need to rush, rush, rush. Which then means I make more mistakes and get more frazzled. And then I just want to curl up. I noticed that when something goes wrong, I tend to elevate its urgency. When I am feeling weak, like I’ve been recently, I trust myself less in all areas of my life, and then I tend to make things even more important and urgent then they are. Which makes me behave in a way that leaves me feeling weak and small. And it just lives in that vicious cycle for a while. So, instead of doing that again, I’ve been trying to pay attention to my impulses more. When things go wrong (which seems to be happening frequently, lately) I tell myself to take a break. I say it out loud. I get up and walk around for three minutes. I then sit back down and calm myself down so I can think. I figure out a list of things I will try next. And then I get to work. The stepping back, walking, making a list, etc. all buy me some time. This way my fight-or-flight stops taking over and I can calm down and engage my higher thinking. So I can come up with some rational next steps. Creating an environment where I can think again is the most important crucial first step. Once I can think, logic comes in handy and almost always helps me solve my problem. It’s getting access to the logical thinking that matters most. If there’s a tiger in my living room, it’s ok to let stress take over. But in just about every other situation, I’ve come to believe that stress does not serve me. And, remember, I’m all about getting rid of things that don’t serve me. Just like Brene’s talks and books help me recognize the feeling of shame, I’m working to learn to recognize the feeling of stress. Because if I can recognize it, I can remember that this is not the time to make decisions. And I can wait for it to go away. It all starts with recognition. And here’s the spread for week eleven (sorry photos are not great quality, haven’t figured out how to photograph these well yet.):
here’s a closer up of the left side:
The first story here is about work and then the Willpower class that ended last week. The next one is Nathaniel walking along the edge of the sidewalk and having fun (but also being cautious.) And here’s the right side:
The first one is about david’s 4-page drawing and then Nathaniel watching movies while I work feverishly. And then the last one is about my boys and how they supported me and helped me while I was struggling so much. Since I didn’t do so much art this week, I took some of our family photos and just added them along the bottom. So there we go. So far, so good. Still enjoying this project a lot. Happy Savoring. The Savor Project was supposed to be a weekly project for 2012. You can read about my setup here.
I chose This Must be the Place because one of the reviews said the author was like Anne Tyler. And since Anne Tyler is one of my all-time favorite authors I knew I had to try it. In the beginning, I didn’t like it. I didn’t dislike it but I just couldn’t get into the story. But eventually the characters found their way into my heart and I ended up loving the book. Even though I could tell the twist long, long before it was revealed (though I sort of think that was the author’s intent.) I still loved every little bit of this book. And it did remind me a bit of Anne Tyler and her quirky, sweet characters that I always fall in love with. I am looking forward to seeing more from this author.
I often see blog posts about how to achieve your dreams. How to do what you love for a living. How to build your life around what you love to do. Etc, etc. When I see these posts, I think about several things simultaneously:
The thing is, I don’t know what my dreams are. At different points in my life, I had different dreams. And some were big and some were small. Over the course of my life, I’ve tried to align things as much as I can. Here’s what I do know: you do not have to wait to start living a part of your dreams. Many people I know are desperately waiting for the right time. Waiting for the kids to be older, waiting to have more money, more time, more self-esteem, more support, more whatever. But I am very much against the all-or-nothing approach. I feel like the right way to start a new endeavor is to take a few steps first. Get your toes wet. See if you like it. I understand that this won’t work with all situations but it works more often than not. For example, if you think you want to sell art, try making a lot more art and even having friends commission a few pieces (not for money). See if you like making art on demand. See if you can meet the deadlines. See if the joy starts dissipating after a while (when it’s work and not just fun) or if you still love every bit of it. Then, open a small shop. Try to sell a few. When I started my photography company back in 2005, I already had a camera so I took my husband and son out for a shoot for some samples. And then I created a tiny website with the photos to show others. I then emailed the two moms groups I was in and asked if anyone would like free shoots. (They had to pay for the pictures if they ordered any – at a discount – but the shoot would be free.) Within the hour, I had over 12 clients. Over the next few weeks, I did shoots. I met with clients. I figured out how to present the photos, how to deal with ordering, how to deal with difficult clients, copyright, etc. My clients were understanding since they were getting a huge discount so it was easier for me to try things and worry less about making mistakes. More importantly, I didn’t buy a new, better camera. I didn’t order stationary. I didn’t pay anyone to design me a logo or a website. I just took it slow and cheap. As time passed, word spread, and I got more clients. Ones who paid for the shoot and the photos. I learned what kind of shoots I like. What kind of clients I prefer. How I work best. What I like and dislike about this particular career path. This allowed me to enjoy it more and, in return, do a better job. Life is not all or nothing, if you ask me. You can always be doing something to walk in the direction of your dreams: learning new skills, practicing regularly, connecting with others, etc. Instead of dumping all you have and embracing a new life or doing absolutely nothing and being sad, you can choose to just walk slowly in the direction of your dreams. Try things out. See if you do indeed like it. You can take tiny steps first and as you have more time/money/dedication take bigger ones. You’d be surprised how much progress you can make with tiny steps. Here are the sketches from last week: Sunday:
Nothing Monday-Thursday cause I went to work as soon as I woke up and went to bed the minute I got home. Friday:
Saturday:
that’s it for this week. Daily Sketching is a weekly project for 2012. You can see a detailed post on my steps here.
If you’ve been reading here with any regularity you know that I don’t like to talk about work here. You also know that I’ve had a high-urgency work problem that stopped me from being able to write down thoughts here for two weeks. While things are shifting and possibly calming down a bit, I am not ready to talk about anything just yet. And I might not ever want to. While I’m generally a firm believer of talking things out and getting them out of my system, I’ve sort of been trying to do the opposite in this case. Ok, maybe not exactly the opposite… Here’s the deal: in the last few weeks I’ve experienced a lot of negative emotions. Shame, fear, frustration, sorrow, exhaustion, embarrassment, resentment, and just plain old helplessness. I slept fitfully and ate very little and not well. I abandoned most of my routine and saw very little of my kids. By the end of the two weeks, I was pretty much a wreck. A bitter, frustrated, spent wreck. I found myself unable to let go of a lot of the anger and resentment. Part of me kept remembering that shame couldn’t live in public and I had to share. But I already had told a few close friends about the events and I really didn’t need to talk about it anymore. I felt like I was holding on to the feelings for no good reason. I was letting the anger and resentment envelop me. So, at some point today, I just decided to let it go. I decided that holding on to all that was hurting me more than anyone else. It was hurting the people I love. And it wasn’t really doing anything to those who upset me to begin with. So it just felt like by letting it go, I could immediately make my day better. Don’t get me wrong. I will still need time to heal. To catch up on sleep, life, and get my soul shining again. And after the two weeks I’ve had, it might take a long time to get there. But the first step is letting go. And forgiving. Forgiving myself. Forgiving those who hurt me. Giving people the benefit of the doubt. Letting go of the hurt. People will hurt you. Most of them don’t matter. It’s only worth healing the hurt between those whom you love and you. The others are just not worth your time and energy. And I decided that by holding on to the hurt, I was giving others more power than they deserved. So much of life is about letting go of what doesn’t serve me. It feel like I have to learn this lesson again and again. So, today, I started the process of letting go. Forgiving. And now comes the long process of healing. This is a layout I made for My Mind’s Eye for winter CHA.
And the journaling says: details:
Here is the next spread from our book:
This is a little map of mystery LEGO mini-figures you can get and he checked off the two he already has. There we go. That’s all for this week. More coming soon. David’s Book of Good Memories is a bi-weekly project for 2012 with my seven-year-old son David. You can read more about it here.
Alas, another not-so-great week at work. So I will keep this brief. I am hoping things will start getting lighter soon. In the meantime, here are some photos Jake or I took this week and they make me happy. And grateful. here are some highlights from last week: Nathaniel playing with David’s Batman computer. He loves that thing.
Over the weekend, both kids got some legos. I loved watching Nathaniel follow instructions and try to put his own together.
he even managed a few things all on his own.
and then called in daddy to help.
David’s front tooth is all crooked because the next ones are coming but this one isn’t ready to fall off just yet.
The best thing I get to see every day. The best.
David had pinkeye on Sunday. Here he is with eye cream on Monday. He was really worried about the cream but it turns out it didn’t hurt (which I told him it wouldn’t but alas he wouldn’t listen.)
love my boy.
this one, too. He loves his new Star Wars pajamas.
he’s so happy.
I feel so grateful that I seem to have such happy kids. I was pouty as a kid.
The boys cleaned up while I was at work, too. Love my boys.
I am the luckiest girl in the whole world. Just to have these three.
Nathaniel just refused to look at the camera. He thought it was funny not to.
And here’s the tickle-time.
and here we go. Like last week, I am extra grateful for my family. I want to hug them tighter and closer. Here’s to hoping things are better next week. Weekly Diary is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here. |
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